go back

im in the cyber cafe with pooch, ryan and zach. their playing medal of honour with the volume turned up. and they shouting over the noise so that they can say something to each other. men...! their bggin me to join them. i miss bryan so much. i was just thinking about how i was first intrested in him and how the courting period. i remember how he used to sit alone outside the shop and just stare in. the whole mysterious thing. i remember i used to sit outside with him and talk and talk. i think he thought i was wierd? and wolf used to gimme wierd looks. then when we actually got together, he didnt want anyone to know, i dont know why? so we used to sneak around. and the code word was 'i need some fresh air' then we would meet up outside amcorp. it was so fuuny. i miss those times. the time when he actually wanted to be with me. i give anything to go back to those times.

carry my burden frodo

sometimes i wonder why im so fucking observant! i notice a lot of things, especially things worthy of gossip. it aint all that great. i know too many things that could hurt people. i notice things that people dont want me to know. its a rather huge burden for i have to keep these things with me. sometimes i wish that i didnt know what people were feeling. i hate to have pain of knowing something is up with someone. i see things, i feel peoples feelings and people tend to trust me and tell me their secrets. i already have my own problems to worry about. i just dont want to see/feel these things right now!

the weather and me

if my mood were to match the weather, it would be constantly cloudy, it would rain and rain, thunder crashing around everyone. it would always be dark. there would never be light. all the plants around will wither and eventually die. then there will be no one left in this world, for everyone would be dead.

im only acting my age

i keep thinking about him. i keep reminising about the past. i long to feel his lips against mine. i lon to run my fingers down his back, carassing his skin.but these are merely hopes. no one knows how much he means to me, no one knows how much i love him, not even him. i was ready to marry the guy, but he was only ready to get rid of me. i have stopped trying to feel better, i realized i cant. he wont talk to me anymore. my hopes on getting him back are gone. theres nothing i can do now. it seems ive lost all my friends and my loved one.my greatest fear is happening. im alone. no one in this world can share my pain. no one cares enough for me. everyone has their own agenda. no one here can help me through this. ive been thinking about killing my blog, just like im trying to kill myself.

where is everybody?

i realized that all my friends are drifting apart. ahmad and i seem to have some rift. and lately hes been so busy with dawn. dawn as well is busy with ahmad. azmin seems to have his own problems and i hardly see him anymore. shazz hardly comes to the shop. fiezan is so busy with work. wolf has got his issues and is so busy with the shop. andy has work. i havent seen astrid or ida in a long while. loco is busy too. where did everybody go and how come im still here?

let me back into your life

you know the saying, you never know what youve got until u lost it. i totally agree with it. i never knew how much he meant to me, i never knew that i needed him so much! how can this break up better for me? i feel a lot worst than i did when we were together. i realized that i was always unsatisfied. i always wanted more than what he gave me. i totally regret now. i cant even get through a night without crying! every moment i feel like crying. i went to church today. and i just couldnt stop crying. i just cried and cried. i want him back! i need him back! im going to have get him back now. im just hoping that he will be willing to let me back into his life.

naive

i feel so stupid. like i was thinking to far ahead. i wonder if he knows how much i love him, how much i want to be with him. maybe thats why were not together anymore. i feel like i wanted to much and expected to much i feel foolish. i feel so young and vulnerable. naive. i thought that he was my muirn beatha dan. how naive was i? to think that far ahead. he asured me when i wasnt. he made me feel like i was the most special, most beautiful, most loved person in the world. ive realised the magick of love. its no illusion, its magick......its real. so real that if u lose it, u lose something big!

emotional breakdown

everyone thinks im taking this break up really well. they say they dont know how i can be so happy and so normal. but im not happy. i dont know why i keep this shit inside. i dont know why i pretend that im happy when im not. i just dont want to express the anger i have inside, or the sorrow. im just hoping that it would fade away before i explode and have an emotional breakdown!