christmas...fuck yea

christmas....god i hate it!
its got the ability to make you all warm and loved. but it also has the ability to make you feel cold and extremely lonely.

especially when there is nothing to celebrate. and no one to celebrate with...

im especially confused this christmas.
my ex and i kissed. and considering the fact that i thought i was over him, a hell load of feelings started surfacing. well i thought i still wanted him and i thought that maybe he still had feeling for him.

and then the guys i used to date started coming on to me really harshly...and i didnt know what to feel.

my friend seems to be wanting all the guys there is. shes got a boyfriend but keeps on wanting more. im worried. especially for him.

on the great side, i actually have loads of fun at rudys party.
i went there with my new black dress (which was supposed to make me look innocent, but ended up showing LOTS of cleavage), my new bob hairstyle (my hair is gone!) and my angel wings. aside from flashing everyone, smoking like hell, spend most of my time at the bar and was seen drinking lots; im sure i looked like an angel!

im glad christmas is over!
now i can relay a lil. and get the rest i need so badly.

the frog

well its the last of my exams now.....im freeee...yipeee.

went to watch a movie with my classmates. the fog(frog.)

we were at the counter and i dared my friend to ask for tickets to the frog. and meng did it!! the guy at the counter said...."ok six tickets to the frog. what isle would you like?" he didnt even realize what we said!

from that we had inspirations on going and ordering a Mc Fluffy asscream from McDonalds and falaffles and asscream from the Waffle Station. had loads of fun...

and dont bother watching the fog. its a totall waste of time. interesting story line......but thats about it. it was so bad, that they had to put in a sex scene just to make it interesting!!

my friend nikki even fell asleep!!

the frog would have been a better watch!

i think the frog would have been more interesting.

party party

so the party....

i think everyone had fun.... we drank alot...did stupid things. (must get ben to get rid off the videos)

there was just too much lesbian action if you ask me. and too little ''triona getting yummy action''.

must get ben too...cos he watched and recorded everything but he didnt do anything.

poor poody.....i saw his arm and it looks horrible. and it so hard for him to do things like opening a bottle. poor dahlin.

and my col mates went. i hope they had fun too. but i invited arrmand and he mistook the day apparently. (fucker)

and i cant believe that they tried to make me lap dance them. and they tried to pay me alot as well but lap dances just isnt my thing lol.

gavin is cute but im dissapointed

well my birthday is done and over with. well i thinkit was pretty good. thanks to everyone for coming. really apprieciate it! well the party was awesome but i cant help but feel disappointed. why???

1) some very important people i invited didnt show up.
2) in the process of party planning i realized that my friend is using her boyfriend.
3) i missed watching julius caesar cos i was broke.
4) then i realized that that gavin yap(the reason i wanted to watch julius caesar) is a totall hottie. and i didnt realize it! well i know he was cute just not that unbelievably fucking cute! and now i missed my opportunity!








i mean how fucking hot can this guy be!!!

ok..i know i haven't posted in ages. but i find it hard to write anything without mentioning how i feel. how do i write normal stuff when all i can think about is how empty i feel. how do i keep pretending that nothings wrong when im dying inside. i dont know how long i can keep up with this game. i tried talking about it with people. but everyone seems like they are too busy too listen to my sob stories. everyone has got their own shit. but i need to let go i need help, i need my friends. but i just couldnt bring myself to write anything in blog. how can i tell people im on the verge of suicide and that im too depressed to eat. how can i when people are going to look at me with pity like they always fucking do. they look at me like my lover died or they dont look at me at all! and there are the people who are really concern, and they would ask me if im okay. IF YOU FUCKING READ THIS THEN YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IM NOT FUCKING OK! and how am i supposed to tell people whats really going on (because they are going to ask) when everytime i think about it or talk about it i cry. in fact im crying in the cyber cafe now. people must think im some emotional freak. which coincidentally i am. im messed up, how i managed to keep a straight face when i go out i dont know.

what sucks the most is that he still misses me, but there are just too many complications. why the fuck does he have to have a midlife crisis now??? why does he still look at with does fucking eyes. the eyes that say so many things that he cant. im fucking depressed. i dont know how long i can cope with this. my exams are on monday and when i study, everything seems to remind me of him. in fact, everything i do, every fucking place i go reminds me of him. i dont get why i feel this way....he was supposed to be a fling, but now i have fallen in love with him a little too late!