Europe Season 2, Pain Episode 3

I leave for Europe tomorrow night.

A flight I booked only a month ago.

It all started like this: 4 years ago I had an opportunity to go to Germany and to meet W (who's from a neighbouring country). A guy, who is so significant to me but I am so insignificant to him. Long story short, I had asked W to meet me in Germany, but he never did. Most sane people would have been done with him, but I am a silly girl. He said the right things to me at the right time and I couldn't be mad at him. I don't think I will ever be mad at him for long. If you asked me what my biggest regret in my life would be; it would probably be that I didn't just go all the way to him.

So why is W so significant to me? I have no idea. Think it was a millenia ago that we had that connection. But oh that connection.... something you read about it novels and watch on a blockbuster movie. Reach for the stars, over the moon, backflip kinda connection. At least that's what i thought happened. But i must have imagined it because it seems he has no recollection. I've searched and searched for that same connection. Came close few times, but never the same. I always thought that we were so similar, so exact that we often finished each other sentences (and I'm a sucker for someone who can finish my sentence).

We grew apart but I always kept him close in my heart. Hoping that we will one day meet.

So about 2 months ago, I started feeling this strange feeling like the cosmic universe was signaling something to me. A few strange coincidences had led me to believe that this was the right moment that I've been waiting for to finally go and see him. To finally see if he is a fiction of my imagination.

So I went to a tarot card reader and she didn't give me the good news that I wanted to hear. She told me I was wasting my time and to move on. (Yea yea, i already know this.) All the negative advice just made me want to prove her wrong so badly. A few days later, an opportunity came up to go to Germany. I knew this was definitely a sign. All the stars seem to align itself perfectly for this moment, all pointing in the same direction. Its the time for me to correct the mistake I had made 4 years ago.

I told him of my intentions and I knew he didn't sound to enthusiastic but he agreed anyway. I told him if he was not comfortable with it, that he should tell me before i made the commitment. He said ok, but i should have known better. No one in their right mind would have been honest in that situation.

So about a few weeks ago, he stops coming online, doesn't reply my facebook messages, doesn't pick up my calls, no replies on sms, nothing. Nothing. This should have been clear to anyone with a brain, but again, i'm a silly girl. It's not that I'm blind, it's just that I can just accept that he is doing this to me. That he is just going to ignore me until my trip is over and I have to go home. I mean who does that? I must be the worst person in the world to deserve this treatment from anyone. He must think that I am his really annoying psycho stalker or something.

So it's clear as daylight that he doesn't give two shits about me. I have wasted my whole entire life savings on this 'cosmic universe calling'. I will come home broke and to a job I dislike. The one thing I have held on for 6 years, the one thing that helps me wake up every morning, the one goal i've been working towards, the number one on my bucket list, all gone down the drain.

It's too late to take back anything. I will still have to go on this trip. I pray to god that he will be merciful and let me have a good time. If god is in a good mood, maybe he will throw W or a better version of him my way.

I will be on this trip with my fingers crossed the whole way through and hope for the best. I expect some tears and shitty moments; but I need to make the most of what ever crappy hand life has dealt to me. Damn you tarot card lady.

To W,

I always thought you were perfect. Well at least perfect for me. And I always thought you were a carbon copy of me. But I really hope I was wrong. Because I never want to be anything like you. I would never ever treat a person the way you have treated me. I still love you in a sadistic way, but you are not perfect for me. You bloody hell don't deserve me.