its funny how everything looks when you think back on it. i realized im really funny in a sordid way. my greatest fear is being alone. but i seem to drive people away from me. when someone gets to close i just panic and start doing things that might make them hate me. ive done it so many times. yet i havent learned from it. recently i drove someone who meant the world to me, away. he was the only person i loved. the only person ive let myself love. yet still i drove him away. i made him hate me. maybe im afraid of commitment. maybe im scared. i recall occations where people who were close to me went away, they went overseas, and such. maybe i dont want that to happen to me again. but whats the difference between me driving them away and them leaving? ive lost him now. and i cant get him back. i would do anyhing to get him back. and im close to making a pact with the devil to get him.
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