ok..i know i haven't posted in ages. but i find it hard to write anything without mentioning how i feel. how do i write normal stuff when all i can think about is how empty i feel. how do i keep pretending that nothings wrong when im dying inside. i dont know how long i can keep up with this game. i tried talking about it with people. but everyone seems like they are too busy too listen to my sob stories. everyone has got their own shit. but i need to let go i need help, i need my friends. but i just couldnt bring myself to write anything in blog. how can i tell people im on the verge of suicide and that im too depressed to eat. how can i when people are going to look at me with pity like they always fucking do. they look at me like my lover died or they dont look at me at all! and there are the people who are really concern, and they would ask me if im okay. IF YOU FUCKING READ THIS THEN YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IM NOT FUCKING OK! and how am i supposed to tell people whats really going on (because they are going to ask) when everytime i think about it or talk about it i cry. in fact im crying in the cyber cafe now. people must think im some emotional freak. which coincidentally i am. im messed up, how i managed to keep a straight face when i go out i dont know.

what sucks the most is that he still misses me, but there are just too many complications. why the fuck does he have to have a midlife crisis now??? why does he still look at with does fucking eyes. the eyes that say so many things that he cant. im fucking depressed. i dont know how long i can cope with this. my exams are on monday and when i study, everything seems to remind me of him. in fact, everything i do, every fucking place i go reminds me of him. i dont get why i feel this way....he was supposed to be a fling, but now i have fallen in love with him a little too late!